Current mood:	Enlightened
Current music:	Dilated Peoples ft. Kanye West - This Way

It's a delicate balance...
For a while I blamed myself for everything that went on. I was set on thinking that my, generally reasonable, expectations were at fault when they weren't met. And while, on a basic level, this is true, I let myself forget the basic tenet that these are the kinds of expectations that everyone has of their friends and others. The shortcomings of others are not necessarily caused by anyone but themselves, and I had taken on the responsibility for no good reason.

In more recent times, I find it harder and harder to simply let things go like I used to. Maybe that's not the best explanation... I let them go, because there isn't much else to do... I do, however, notice that occasionally they pop back around, tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me they were right behind me all along. It reminds me of the old Seinfeld episode, The Serenity Now. If you're a fan of Seinfeld, you'll recall it, but if not, here's a quick synapse: George's father yells "Serenity now!" anytime he gets stressed, Jerry lets out his emotions by showing his current GF, Patty, that he can get angry and suddenly finds himself emotional over everything. They later find out that an old friend from the neighborhood (Lloyd Braun) ended up in a mental hospital when he tried the "Serenity now" tapes... "Serenity now, Insanity later." as he says. You can find the episode script here Anyway, that put me a bit off track... Point being, I've incorporated too much of all that into my life... I feel like I started with the whole serenity now thing, minus the actual saying, but at the same time, let myself care too much about things that are unnecessary.

I guess what it all boils down to, this whole self-discovery thing, is that I need to stop dealing in such absolutes. To quote a part of John Mayer's blog (yeah, never thought I'd see that sentence in here either) "Sometimes you have to experiment with an updated design for yourself before you realize the original design never stopped working for you." There are a lot of things that I'm glad I changed, but I also think there are a lot I don't need to keep at bay. I still don't see myself out as often as before, but I think it's time to "get back on the horse".

Man, I think I make my life more confusing by the day, but I guess it keeps things interesting :D

Oh, and I'm building a new computer... The old "patch job" is finally being replaced... should have the parts by end of the week or beginning of next.

Maybe this will all result in more posts, but don't count on it lol